The Staggering Price of Loneliness

I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY LONELINESS DOESN’T HAVE TO HAVE THE FINAL WORD!

Is loneliness kind of this “thing” that follows after you wherever you go? Do you feel lonely in a crowd full of “friends?” If you do, you are certainly normal!

The price of this intruder is staggering in a variety of ways and this is why. We are constantly trying to fill the void. That’s what loneliness does. It creates an unmistakable void. I think what’s behind the void, the feeling of loneliness, is a feeling of unworthiness. We don’t feel worthy to have close intimate relationships.

We don’t feel worthy to have close intimate relationships. We look at ourselves with critical eyes refusing to see those eyes are not those of truth.

A friend of mine told me how this very thing ruined her life. When she was about 18-19 years old she met a man that blew her away with his kindness, loyalty, adventurous spirit among other things. Over the course of a couple years, she fell in love with him and she knew he felt the same way.

He was a bit shy so his way was to show her he loved her, but not really say it. She did the same. When he was thinking of moving to a different town to finish college she was devastated, but she never told him. She didn’t want to stand in the way or make him feel bad for doing what he needed to do.

All the while, all he wanted was for her to ask him to stay. Neither one told each other how they felt so he left. Why couldn’t she bring herself to tell him how she felt?

Why couldn’t she bring herself to tell him how she felt?

Because she felt unworthy of him. She didn’t feel good enough. She thought he was way out of her league. This decision proved to be disastrous in her life because she didn’t know how feel confident in her own skin. When she looked at herself, thought of herself, all she could do was see what she hated. She couldn’t possibly imagine she had anything good to offer this man.

So, she settled in every relationship after that furthering her view of herself. She self-destructed. Her expectations of others were awful low because of how she felt about herself and this furthered the self-destruction.

Some people use drugs, alcohol, food, eating disorders, shopping, striving for success, pretending to be someone they aren’t, just to name a few, to try to fill this gaping hole and thus self-destruct.

But the question of the day is how in the world does a person finally feel worthy of love and acceptance? I’d be lying if I told you it was easy. but I can tell you what worked for me.

I had to settle the question in my mind, in my heart, in every fiber of my being of who God was. That may be confusing to you, so allow me to explain.

If God doesn’t exist, then I will have to strive in all areas to prove to myself I am worthy. Tried that. Didn’t work.

If God does exist, what does that make me? Where do I stand with Him? Is He loving or is He cruel? Does He want me to succeed or does He stand up in Heaven waiting to bring the gauntlet down when I screw up?

After years of what I would call in-depth research, I found God to be kind, protective, confusing, mysterious, patient, justice orientated, loyal, truthful and crazy in love with me. What did I just say? Yep, He’s crazy in love with me…and you too! When that truth set in it crushed me. I felt so awful for holding God responsible for all the crap in my life.

I don’t know about you, but religion is not my thing. People warp it and use it to hurt others, so I’ve chosen to put all my eggs in the Jesus Basket.

Back to the question. How does a person feel worthy of love and acceptance? 

Knowing who God really is & knowing who you are to Him. If God is who He says He is, then arguing with Him about who I am, how important I am to Him, and how I fit into this mess called life is laughably ridiculous.

He is the God of ALL. He is the King of Kings. That makes you and me Princesses and Princes of THE KING. That also means we have an inheritance from Him if we choose to accept it. The cross solved the question of how important we are to Him. No one in their right mind would give everything for a nobody. No one in their right mind would do that just because He loves us so much He wanted us to be in Heaven with Him for all of

The cross solved the question of how important we are to Him. No one in their right mind would give everything for a nobody especially when that ‘everything’ entailed extreme torture here and in Hell.

But God isn’t like us. We are made in His image, but that doesn’t mean we will even come close to understanding His ways.

How do we fit into this messy, painful world? I like to look at it as God is the author and all of us are characters. We all have our part to play and only we can do certain things. And if God is love then I want to do my best for Him.

Doing my best for Him means I cling to the fact He loves me, gave up His life for me, sacrificed it all for me. And He did the same for you too.

When we have a rotten, critical thought come into our minds that would be a good time to say, “Nope, I’m a child of God. He loves me and He does not see me that way.”

Over time, we can then begin to see the loneliness drift away. We see ourselves more accurately acknowledging, yes we will always have faults and things to work on, but who we are at the core is deeply loved by the only One that matters.

And with that comes a feeling of worthiness. We begin to see we have something of value to offer. We also realize whatever that something is can only be done by us. I think that’s pretty cool! I will forever be humbled by how much God loves me and my girls and how much He has done and continues to do for us.

I hope you take the first step in the long journey to know God, know what He’s like, and know who you are to Him.

xoxo

-Teresa

I bet this may be a reason you hate Christianity

 

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HELLO! I hope you guys are loving summer right now! I know I am:)

I got this question that I thought was pretty alarming, but sadly, not all that uncommon in the church. Many of you know I’m a sold-out Jesus lover, but I’m not a fan of religion. I’m not a fan of mankind screwing up what God intended, but I also know we humans are full of our mistakes and biases. We all have great things to bring to the table too! God wants us to love Him and keep trying!

Whitney asked me about her marriage that is not going so well. The basic gist is her husband is beating over the head with a bible (proverbially I hope! 😉 using it to get her to do what he wants. Not cool, man! Christian people make mistakes too, so I’d like to address this one. I have some serious experience here!

That, my friends, is called spiritual abuse and as you may have guessed, it’s just as ugly as other forms of abuse. Whitney has some tough decisions to make. She’s only 20. Living in a situation like this is neither good for her or her husband. The sooner huge issues like this get nipped in the bud the better.

If the habit continues it is harder for her husband to create new patterns and be the guy God wants him to be. We are all tasked with crappy problems here and there, so take heart, it will get better. Doing the next little right thing is the name of the game here.

I want to make something really clear though. Just because people screw this up, doesn’t mean God is cool with it. He’s not. Yes, He is a God of grace, but He is also a God of truth. He needs us to speak the truth in love (grace.) He hates oppression. He hates abuse. He hates it when we use Him as a club to clobber someone with. Sticking with Him, what He loves and says is the best medicine.

Here are the books I told you about. They are affiliate links to good ‘ol amazon. Thanks for your support! You guys rock!

xoxo

-Teresa

 

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-Teresa

What if a guy doesn’t like you back?

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When I was in 4th grade this guy…we’ll call him Mark…had a crush on this girl…we’ll call her Emma. She had dark hair and dark eyes and was just as pretty as could be. I was pretty bummed because I really liked him, as much as a 4th grader can like a guy 🙂

He on the other hand had ‘friend zoned’ me and that was awful! I still remember it, so it really must’ve bothered me!

No matter how old you are when a guy doesn’t like you back it can really hurt. You may start to wonder what’s wrong with you, if you’re pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough at whatever he likes. The list can get quite long when you’re in that state of mind.

Let me introduce you to something called pheromones. The simplest way I can explain them is they are a scent we all give off. They are involved with us being attracted to someone…or not attracted.

We all give off natural scents and they even change a bit with our own hormones. Perfume and cologne companies know all about this which is why they bank so much money!! They create scents that are attractive!

You might be thinking, ‘well, I’ll just wear perfume and maybe he’ll find me attractive!’ Hold on a minute sister!

What if these pheromones are kind of like a map helping you find the one you are meant to be with? What if that guy who doesn’t like you back isn’t meant to be your someday husband?

Whatever type of relationship you’re in, just apply this principle. Trust that God has just the right one for you and it’s not this one who’s not interested.

It doesn’t mean you’re not awesome, beautiful, brilliant and gifted. It just means he’s not the one for you. Do you really want to spend your life chasing someone who doesn’t feel the same way…all because of pheromones!

Sweetie, just grab a chick flick and some chocolate and enjoy one evening of sulking. But be up bright and early the next day because it is full of adventure! 🙂

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What does God think of women?

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What does God think of women anyway?

I’m just going to say it. There is a whole lot of messed up…like way messed up theology when it comes to God and women. It’s crazy! I’ve gone up against some heavy hitters on this topic and walked away knowing God loves me just as much as a man.

Let me get even more blunt. Am I the only one who thinks it’s crazy that God would love someone more just because they have certain body parts? Yep, said that too. Does God think certain body parts makes you smarter, a better leader, a better anything? LOL And, NO!

I can’t help but giggle to myself at the sheer insanity of this though process of some men in the church. If you have a person telling you that you can’t lead, that you can’t excel in …whatever..then you are dealing with a patriarchal fool. This patriarch isn’t of God. He or she has not an inkling of the heart of God. And this person is dangerous to you if you let them.

I don’t know if you know who Beth Moore is, but I think she’s quite amazing. She’s obviously a woman and an awesome Bible teacher! If you’ve ever been to a Women of Faith conference, you’d know all of them are…yep…you guessed it…women speaking! And they rock! And God loves it!

God loves you no matter what your body parts are! He wants you to inherit all He has for you. You are a Princess of The King just like men are Princes of The King. We are to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ, not oppress one another. In fact, God is not a fan of oppression in the least. It makes Him mad.

Sadly, there are a lot of women who have been victims of spiritual abuse. I happen to have been one of them! This topic is personal to me and one God helped me battle against. He showed me how He feels about me.

He removed those patriarchal people from my life because He knows what they spew is garbage. If it’s not of God, then it is of Satan. Pure and simple.

You are amazing. God did not create you to hand your life over to a man. He created you to serve Him…the one who so lovingly created you. He has such deep love for us. So much we cannot even grasp! We are meant to be a force to be reckoned with and the One who’s with us will never leave us. He makes us that force…if we let Him.

If God didn’t think of you so highly, would He give you His power to be that force? No. God loves us so much. He doesn’t hold one gender above another. God does not show favoritism. He doesn’t love one more than another.

Sure some of us experience more blessing for one reason or another, but I assure you it has absolutely nothing to do with gender!

If you are a woman, know God loves you. If you are a man, know that God loves you too…and He did not create you to oppress women in anyway whether overly or passively.  Just love God and love people!

Check this video out! Love you all!


How do I change my life Part 2

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What do you do when your life isn’t working anymore?

My life has fallen apart on several occasions, just like a lot of people. That’s kind of how life is, unfortunately! All those times I would ask myself, ‘how do I change my life?’ I usually had something quite painful I was trying to escape. Sadly, escaping doesn’t usually work either.

When I was a kid I was raised in a religious sect that hammered on perfection. As you guessed it, I’m definitely not perfect which created quite the dilemma for me. I pretty much gave up trying and resigned myself to the fact I was going to Hell.

Holy cow! Did I just say that!? YES! And I really felt that. Frankly, it was horrible. I pretty much had a death wish. Funny, for someone going to Hell. Not exactly smart! LOL

Anyway, when I was in my mid-twenties there was a pretty major tragedy. That left me saying, ‘how do I change my life’ and “ok, God, if you really exist where are you in all this?” About a year later after some research and soul searching I became a Christian. My life was horrible and I couldn’t change it on my own no matter how hard I tried.

I was completely clueless about God, who He was, what He was like. Heck, I didn’t even know how to look something up in the Bible. Pretty eye-opening for me that the religious sect I was raised in hammered so much about God, but didn’t teach us what He wrote or who He was. They just taught us to be terrified of Him.

And even when I did figure that part out I really didn’t understand who it was written to, what was the culture of the time, what context was it written…ya know, all the important stuff! Years of bible studies helped a lot.

Thankfully, God is very relational. He’s our Savior, yes, but He’s also our friend. He wants to walk through all the details of your life with you. He wants you to know how much He loves you, that He is not the cause of all the evil in the world even though He allows it.

He gave us all something very dangerous, something that has caused Him above all the most pain. Free will. Some use there’s for good and others use it for evil. And sadly, sometimes we or someone we love is on the receiving end of someone else’s evil free will.

He does, however, promise to use it for our good, for His greater purpose and He promises to not waste on single ounce of our pain. It’s still not terribly comforting at the time of intense grief, but knowing He will make all things right in the end offers some relief.

God is love. Evil makes God just as sad and/or mad and it makes us. When we cry, He cries. When we think He is not doing anything on our behalf in the midst of it often times we find ourselves humbled to know He was working the whole time.

Someone once told me if you are a saved Jesus loving Christian then this is as close to Hell you will ever get. If you are not, then this is as close to Heaven as you will ever get.

Think about that! The only way to really change your life is to put it in God’s hands. Work at it as if He will do nothing and pray as if He will do everything.

I think the movie The Shack is wonderful depiction of God and it answers all the tough questions we have for Him. I highly encourage you to watch it…at least once. And don’t forget a whole lot of kleenex and skip the make-up!

I think it is also imperative you read books to learn about His character, so you can even trust Him in the first place! I will put them down below!

Love you all! Ask me any questions you may have 🙂

 

If God Is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil

Audiobook:

If God Is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil

Resources


How do I change my life? Part 1

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Oh, the pain of bad decisions catching up!

Have you ever looked at yourself with sheer exhaustion and asked the question, “how do I change my life?” I think we all have. I’m pretty sure if you haven’t you may need some more self-reflection.

Sometimes we have obvious things that are ruining our lives. Other times we’re just bored and wonder if this is all there is to life.

There have been both of those times in my life causing to keep questioning ‘how do I change my life?’ Sometimes it was said in a little mutter and others more like a yell.

Changing or life takes guts and determination to make the necessary decision to get our lives back on track. It takes hard conversations. You may have to end some relationships that are destructive to you. You will most definitely have to create some different patterns and behaviors in your life.

When we keep doing the same thing expecting a different result what do we get? You guessed it! Insanity! All I can say it don’t skip Part 2 of this. You can only get so far with Part 1 until you begin to ask again, ‘how do I change my life?’

Part 2 will talk about what the real key is.


Why can’t my Christian boyfriend and I get along?

Have you ever met someone that just rubbed you the wrong way? That no matter how hard you tried they wore on your every last nerve?

Do you think Christians are exempt from feeling that way? Nope! There are personalities that just don’t click no matter what religion you are. You can try to white knuckle it and pretend everything is fine, being frustrated with yourself that you’re bugged so much.

But guess what? It’s normal. We’re not going to just LOVE everyone!

I have had many clients over the years that are Christians. Some of them are married, some are dating, some who would like to find that special someone, and some love being single.

All of them have at least one relationship in their lives that is strained. Why do you think that is? Free will.

We all have free will to behave how we want and sometimes it’s necessary for us to distance ourselves from toxic people. That’s not being unforgiving. It’s being smart!

Just because you have trusted Jesus for you salvation (best decision of your life) doesn’t mean that wa-la(!) you’re now healed of every hurt or trauma or that you are suddenly mentally healthy.

Yes, Jesus transforms us if we let Him…if we cooperate, but it’s a very long journey that doesn’t end until you’re last breath.

If you can’t get along with your Christian boyfriend, please recognize this before you get married and maturely end the relationship. Marriage doesn’t fix anything and sometimes it makes matters worse because now you share a house, finances, possibly kids, and material items of all sorts.

You have WAY more skin in the game when you’re married. Dating should be exceptional before marriage is even considered. Having high expectations while you’re dating will make your marriage that much better.

There are so many wonderful people in the world that can make us happy. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather go back to searching than to spend my days fighting with someone!


What to look for in a guy…or girl

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OR…

It’s very interesting to me what people generally look for in a significant other. When I look back at my young self I am amazed at how little I expected. I thought some of my expectations would just be there because that’s how good people are.

Let me explain. I am blessed to have an awesome dad. Not perfect, of course, but because he was so consistently awesome I assumed all men were like that. Oh boy did I get burned with that assumption. You know what they say about assuming! It turned out to be true! LOL

As I get older, as I have been through more hard things in life, as I listen to the hard things my clients and friends go through my list of expectations changes and grows pretty long.

Some may say that if you have too high of expectations you will never find someone. I’ve lived long enough to know it is FAR better to be alone and happy and healthy than to be with someone who makes your life miserable. And alone is very relative. Some really great friends have helped me know we are never alone.

I have lived in misery in the spirit of staying together, in the spirit of keeping my expectations ‘reasonable’ by our cultures’ standards and all it’s done is cause me a whole lot of heartache.

I am a naturally joyful, energetic, positive person. I love feeling that way, so if you consistently mess with that then I have some decisions to make. Those decisions have a massive ripple effect that spans from my kids to my ability to reach you guys.

I take that seriously and I hope you do too. Your life is your own. You can’t get the time back you spend with someone who hampers your ability to really be powerful and influential.

When I encourage you to have high expectations what I mean is to focus on really solid, consistent character. Sure, you need to be attracted to this person, but if that’s all you got then you are in for a world of hurt. That person you thought was so cute is going to get ugly real quick! LOL

In addition to this video I have a long list you can read and ponder. Be strong and brave enough to say no to the good so you can say yes to the best!


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Ideas of what to look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend

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OR…

This list comes partly from research and partly from my experiences listening to people share their inner struggles. It is obviously not exhaustive, as nothing can be. This list is really just an effort to invite you to think about what you’re looking for in a friend, in a boyfriend, a someday spouse and, most importantly, in yourself! Obviously, if you’re a guy reading this, this equally applies to the girl. 🙂 

      • If you are a person of faith, does he share that with you? I’m not just talking about whether he believes in God. Even Satan believes in God. Let’s say you have a personal relationship with Jesus. You love Him. You want to serve Him in the way He calls you.In walks Mr. Handsome. Does he share those same beliefs as you? You will see by his actions…never his words. Talk is cheap. Actions shout! I’ve seen SOOOOO many problems between spouses where one is a Jesus lover and one was raised in some religious sect, but doesn’t have that relationship with Jesus. HUGE problems!They fight over all sorts of stuff from which church to attend, to how to raise their kids, how to pray, whether certain religious ceremonies are biblical…. It is beyond crazy and it gets downright ugly.People really seem to think it will all go smoothly if you both “BELIEVE” in God, but boy, that has not been my experience at all! Both of you need to be completely sold out to God, willing to go wherever He leads or this relationship will be complete misery! Or…if neither of you believe, that’s ok too.
      • Does he do the right thing even when it’s hard? Let me tell you a story. About 2 months ago this dog attacked my dog. It was the 3rd time he’d gotten aggressive, but this time was pretty bad.The owner of this dog was walking with his girlfriend at the time. After this happened my dog appeared to be hurt, so I asked for his number in case I needed to take her to the vet.Now….if you’re his girlfriend you should be watching very, very closely here. If I had called him and said I have a $300 bill from the vet for my dog, she should be watching how he handles this.Does he continue in humility with high integrity and pay the bill, or…..does he argue with me? Does he hide from me, not returning my calls?If he doesn’t do the first, this is a guy she should be walking away from because someday when the opportunity for him to do the right thing when it comes to her or her someday kids and he doesn’t, guess who picks up the tab for that? Surely not him! Character is everything, my friend!
      • Is he honest with his taxes? Why does this matter you ask? Well, look ahead to when you have kids with a person like this. Let’s say things don’t work out and now he needs to pay child support. If he’s hiding his income, you won’t be getting what is fair for child support and if he’s a liar, he won’t care one bit. You’re stuck and so are your poor kids. Unfortunately, you could be stuck in poverty. 
      • Is he or has he ever been a player…. sexually active? A guy who can’t control his hormones is the same guy who will be watching porn and sleeping with who knows who behind your back. He needs to be in charge of ALL of him. He’s the guy who gives you an STD and then accuses you of being the cheater.
      • Is he motivated? Lots and lots of complaints from women about lazy husbands. That means the woman is the one paying most of the bills, AND taking care of the kids, AND doing the laundry, AND doing the dishes, And cooking, AND, AND, AND. Not cool, man!
      • Does he spend time playing video games? Why does this matter you may ask? Guys (generally) already have a hard time communicating with females well anyway, so when they check out to video games, that tells me there’s a problem.You don’t have to talk back to the video game. You don’t have to learn to compromise with a video game. You don’t have to learn the art of understanding the heart of a woman when you’re mind is fried on video games!And, back to my previous point….it’s downright lazy. Social skills are usually not where they could be and you’re the one that ends up excruciatingly frustrated! Now I’m not saying playing them sometimes is a problem, but if it interferes with all the good stuff then….
      • Does he share a fair amount of your interests? Some couples will say this can be a blessing or a curse. Some people like to go and do things on their own and that’s cool, not to mention healthy, BUT……I haven’t seen many, many couples who pretty much have separate live and truly close friends.Not too hard to see that one. Can’t really be good friends with someone you barely spend time with! Find something in common. Opposites attract, but in my experience, they don’t maintain very well. I mean complete polar opposites. Frustration often ensues instead.

A wise friend of mine once said, “relationships rise and fall with values.” Smart lady. What she means is that two people need to value the same things and if they don’t then the relationship will suffer.

Let me give you an example since you know I LOVE examples and stories! A friend of mine is married to a lady that is all consumed with material wealth and vanity. She is very superficial. He, on the other hand, is a deep thinker. He spends a lot of time helping other people. He is the main caregiver to their kids. He spends a lot of time with them emotionally. He’s the one they come to.

Her version of parenting is ‘don’t speak unless you’re spoken to and for goodness sake, put on something that matches….and fix your hair….and grab those nice shoes I bought you….and, and, and. THAT drives him CRAZY!

He is the dad that wants his kids to feel loved, seen, and heard ALL the time. She is a broken woman and can’t see what she is doing to her sweet kids. This marriage has been in deep trouble for a long time. That is an example of having different values.

  • Is he open-minded? Not a lot will frustrate an adventurous person like the ‘ol stick in the mud. If you are an open-minded person and he is not, you will soon feel like you’re going to lose your mind!Many people end up feeling pretty unfulfilled and frustrated. If they’re already married what could she do? Say you like whitewater rafting and Mr. couch potato refuses to even try. Well, then the wife really needs to get some friends together or hire a guide and GO! She will feel much happier!
  • Does he take care of himself? For example: does he work out regularly or is at least active? Does he eat well? Does he use tobacco, drugs, alcohol, in excess? Does he eat his feelings? Remember, this guy needs to be in control of ALL of him. If he has had a problem with any of these things, is he going to AA or some sort of support group to keep him on track?
  • Is he careful about what he watches and listens to? The eyes are the window to our soul. A guy who watches stuff that isn’t good for his mind is a guy to be weary of.
  • Is he workaholic? Does he strive to have balance in his life?
  • If he is a person of faith, does he spend time doing things like: reading his bible, hanging out with other guys who are believers, going to a guys’ bible study, spends time with an older guy in the faith to help him along, looking for things to keep his faith alive, support organizations that matter to him, etc.
  • Is he pretty positive about life or is he the dreaded Negative Ned? Yuck!!! I hate Negative Ned! Such a downer! It feels so awful spending any time with this person!
  • Is he curious? This is surprisingly a pretty big deal. A guy who isn’t curious is probably a guy who has control issues. He’s probably fearful and a fearful person controls just to control. Doesn’t get much more miserable than that.
  • Is he patient….romantic….exceedingly kind? Women generally want a confident guy to go on an life adventure with. Often times what happens is the woman BECOMES the adventure and when it’s over (usually after he gets sex) well, then she gets dropped like a bad habit.
  • Does he have goals, dreams, aspirations? A guy that is content with status quo will usually not be a stellar husband and here’s why.Life ebbs and flows. It never stays constant. There are different seasons for everything. So when the status quo gets upset by normal everyday life stuff, he goes a little haywire. You may not have destructive marriage with this guy, but you may have a very disappointing one.
  • Is he good with money? Does he pay his bills on time? Does he have debt? Does he save and invest?
  • Is he responsible in general?
  • Is he honoring to his parents….even if his parents aren’t that easy to honor?
  • Does he talk trash about other people or does he generally give people the benefit of the doubt?
  • Is he aggressive at all? Assertive is cool. Aggression is not!
  • Conversely, is he too passive….or worse yet….passive aggressive. Yuck! Yuck! And Yuck!
  • Does he respect authority?
  • Does he treat you as his partner instead of a second class citizen?
  • Is he loving towards kids and animals. Big flag there girls. Even if he doesn’t want kids or animals, being loving towards those who can’t defend themselves is a big deal.
  • Is he clean? Really dislike a dirty guy. So disgusting and besides…do you really want another person to clean up after? I sure don’t!
  • Does he have a lot of unresolved issues from his past? Let’s be honest here. If you got a pulse you got issues. The point here is, has he worked hard to work through those issues or does he project them onto others? Does he play the victim? Is it always someone else’s fault? What has he done with his hurts? Good or bad? 
  • Does he take responsibility when he makes mistakes? Does he say he’s sorry and then makes every effort not to keep repeating the same mistake?
  • Does he have the heart of a servant and teacher? Now listen up here.When a guy feels inclined to serve others and take time to patiently teach others he’s showing you something very good about his character. When he’s “too important” or plays the “I don’t have time for that” card, he is also showing you something really gross about his character. Pay attention! And be ready to move on.
  • Is he decisive? A guy who can’t make a decision will be the guy who puts everything on you, sometimes making you the bad guy. Decisions need to be made together, which means he needs to have an opinion and be willing to stand up for it. He also needs to support you if your strong opinion really matters to you.
  • Is he jealous of you? Oh boy, this one can really get messy. A strong man who has done a lot of work in his emotional life is the guy who can truly support a strong woman. He is not intimidated by her. He is not dominated by her either. They are equally supportive and encouraging to each other. They will help each other reach the highest heights they can!
  • Have you EVER caught him in a lie…other than trying to surprise you for a birthday or something. You can’t have a decent relationship with someone you can’t trust!
  • Does he do the right thing just because it’s the right thing or does he do it so others can see and give him accolades for it?Ever met a person who’s a bragger and can’t stop talking about themselves? If so, you’ve met a highly insecure person trying to get that insecurity fixed by the approval of others. Not good. Probably a narcissist. RUN!!How this play out is he’s in constant need of your compliments, approval, etc or you will have a dopey pouter on your hands. This is a boy who looks like a man and wants all the privileges of being a man without actually stepping into all of what that entails. You will have yourself the ultra gross dynamics of you being the “mom” and him being the “kid” in the relationship. Yuck. Enough said.
  • Is he selfish & self-absorbed with double standards? The inflated person is really quite sad to see. I think that one speaks for itself!
  • Is he interested in the things that matter to you? Does he ask questions in an attempt to understand you? Is he a good listener? Does he jump in and help when you need it?
  • Does he have that silly belief of what constitutes “women’s work?” Oh, really don’t like that guy!
  • How does he behave when he’s really angry?
  • Is he a perfectionist? Sometimes it’s great to be a perfectionist! That trait may keep you employed!But….if there is perfection required of other people you have a problem here. No one is perfect and we should be living in an environment where it is safe to make mistakes, experiment with new ideas all the while having a little fun.If a person is a perfectionist all across the board, they will be a nightmare to be in relationship with, muchless be married to. He’s the jerk who will call you fat the day after you’ve had a baby!
  • Is he sensitive to your feelings, needs, dreams, goals, and desires?
  • Is he paranoid? Ah—the paranoid person (excluding PTSD sufferers) are paranoid because they have their fair share of skeletons in the closet waiting to jump out at any moment!
  • Here’s one: Is he respectful about your life choices (provided they’re healthy)?I’ll give you an example. I am a vegan, but not just a vegan…I eat a whole-foods plant-based diet which requires effort, planning and cooking. I live in a place where it is very unpopular to not eat the standard American diet packed full of especially meat.I have never in my life been so attacked for what I choose NOT to eat despite the fact I make no judgement towards their choices. It’s really quite crazy!The people who are so accepting and even curious are a step closer to me trusting they might be an emotionally safe person. Someone who isn’t kind to you about it, is someone you should distance yourself from because there will always be things to disagree on. HOW we disagree is big!
  • Does he respect your friends and family? A good guy shouldn’t make it hard for you to have close relationships to others.
  • And the final one: Are you attracted to him? But did you notice this is the last one? The ones preceding this one are the most important. They are what last in the difficulties of life 🙂

You get the idea here. As I keep saying, what you’re looking for here are patterns.

Make yourself a list of characteristics you would like to see in yourself and in a man….and don’t compromise. Hold out!

There are wonderful men out there and you’re on a treasure hunt to find them all the while growing in character yourself! You will never regret this!

Ask some adults you trust for their opinions. Ask them why they feel the way they do. You can learn a lot from those who’ve walked in these shoes! Make sure you are applying all of these, and more, to yourselves!

 

-Peace out! 🙂 oh…and if you’d like to stay in the know…
Yes! Keep me in the loop!


How do I want to want God?

A young lady I just adore asked this question when we were at a LIFE Conference. She didn’t grow up in a Christian home that I’m aware of. She knew she had some things in her life that needed to change.

But what was really insightful about her is that she knew without getting closer to God she wouldn’t have a shot at lasting change. So, her question was “how do I want to want God?”

That’s a mouthful. Think about it. Sometimes we know we need Him, but we don’t WANT to take the time to spend with Him. Relationships take time to build. No relationship with Him means no transformation.

I hope this video will help. Pray and ask God to help draw you near to Him and I promise He won’t disappoint!


What if my boyfriend (or girlfriend) doesn’t respect my faith?

There’s a reason people say don’t bring up religion or politics. People can get a little fired up about their beliefs.

Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and they should be. I appreciate listening to the views of others. Who knows, they may challenge my thinking so much so that I need to change my position.

Disagreeing is one thing. Disrespect is something entirely different. When a person is disrespectful to us for any reason it puts the relationship in well deserved jeopardy.

It’s even worse if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t respect disrespect your faith. I’ve often said if you are a person of faith it is part of who you are. You can’t just cut it out or something.

If you feel the need to disrespect someone’s faith then maybe you shouldn’t date them in the first place! Think about it. Dating really is supposed to be like a long-term job interview or wife interview or husband interview. Get it?

If you marry someone who’s faith you can’t respect then how are you going to do life together? How will you raise kids together? Who’s right and who’s wrong? Do you see the head-butting coming?

As I said above, disagreeing is one thing while disrespect is another. If you’re with a person that is disrespectful about anything then a conversation needs to happen. This is a character issue that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later!

Explain what your concerns and expectation are and if there isn’t an immediate apology followed by an immediate change in behavior consider that your exit pass.

Your faith colors how you see the world, how you make decisions, how you treat people, etc. Having someone in your life that shares that with you will be such a blessing for you both!

Check out this video to see what I have to say!