This one thing will destroy you if you let it!

This made me sick to my stomach because it’s SO true!! Heed the warning! 🙂

I am your constant companion. I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden. I will push you onward, or drag down to failure. I am completely at your command. Half the things you do, you might as well turn over to me, and I will be able to do them quickly and correctly. I am easily managed–you must merely be firm with me. Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically. I am the servant of all great men; and alas, of all failures, as well. Those who are failures, I have made failures. Those who are great, I have made great. I am not a machine, though I work with all the precision of a machine, plus the intelligence of man. You may run me for profit, or run me for ruin–it makes no difference to me. Take me, train me, be firm with me, and I will place the world at your feet. Be easy with me and I will destroy you. Who am I? I am a habit.

-Author and motivational speaker Dennis P. Kimbro

How to tell people how you feel without making it weird

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HOW TO TELL SOMEONE HOW YOU FEEL WITHOUT MAKING IT WEIRD

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to tell someone something so bad, but you just couldn’t get it out? I’m not talking about using tactics to change the subject or distract this other person so you can get out of this situation, although there is certainly a time and a place for that.

In this case, I’m talking about really telling people how you feel.

#1 This is a necessary life skill that takes time and practice to master. Learning to do this will help you feel more confident.

#2 This person is someone you care about, so sharing your feelings will make this a much deeper relationship.

#3 The great thing about this is it will go along way in helping you see if this person cares about you as much as you care about them. Watch how they react when you share your feelings. If they don’t receive it well, then this person doesn’t belong in your inner circle. People who really love us want us to share our feelings with them, even if it’s bad, so it can be worked out.

What we all really want is to be fully loved, even with all our ugly flaws, right? The problem is we can’t be fully loved if we aren’t fully known. That means you have to learn how to talk about your feelings, especially if it’s hard for you!

Let’s take a look at some examples, shall we?

A guy you really like starts kissing you and you are uncomfortable about it. Maybe he’s just going to fast for you, so use any scenario you’d like that falls under that category. What do you say?

Ideas:
You put your hand on his chest and give a tiny push and say something like, “Hey, I really like you, but this is just moving too fast for me and I’m uncomfortable.”

You pull away and offer a smile and say, “I want to spend time with you, but I’d like to stop and do something else. Maybe we could go for a walk and chit chat or go have ice cream?”

Let’s say you are thinking about dating someone. Maybe this person is flirty so you think he/she may ask you out. You want to start things off well and you have some already set rules you’ve developed for yourself to keep you out of trouble (I highly recommend doing this by the way!). Maybe one of those rules is you don’t want to have sex before you’re married. (Another stellar idea!)

How are you going to tell this person how you feel about the boundaries you’ve set for your dating life? What if they don’t like you anymore. What if they laugh? What if…what if…what if…

Take a deep breath for me. This conversation is the precisely the one you want to have so you can see what kind of person you’re dealing with BEFORE they break your heart, get your pregnant, give you an STD, etc. I call this “The Loser Filter.” Use it with every person you’re beginning to date.

It should go something like this:
“Hey, I know lot’s of people are having sex even at our age, but I just need you to know I’ve made a decision that that is not the right choice for me. I want to be upfront with you about it so you know where I stand. I have no interest in having sex until I’m married, so the topic isn’t even open for discussion.”

What you’ve done here is present your position in a crystal clear way. You’ll see a few things happen here.
#1 They will agree and respect your decision so you can move on in the dating process.

#2 They will pretend to be fine with it only to push the envelope later on. So, no matter what you’re doing they always want more. They try to talk you into changing your mind. (Loser has now been spotted.) Time to move on.

#2 They will argue with you, maybe in laugh at you, and attempt to shame you into changing your mind because your idea is CRAZY. (Loser has been spotted.) Again, time to move on.

Don’t let the fear of things getting weird keep you from speaking your mind. Tell them how you feel! I can tell you at my age (and you’re going to get to be my age someday!) that some of my biggest regrets are not telling people how I felt. Don’t let that be you! Even if it did turn out bad, at least you can confidently say, “Hey, man, I did what I thought was right and I’m proud of that. I can’t control how you react.”

You got this! Let me know how it goes! I’d love to hear 🙂

xoxo

-Teresa

 

 

The Staggering Price of Loneliness

I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY LONELINESS DOESN’T HAVE TO HAVE THE FINAL WORD!

Is loneliness kind of this “thing” that follows after you wherever you go? Do you feel lonely in a crowd full of “friends?” If you do, you are certainly normal!

The price of this intruder is staggering in a variety of ways and this is why. We are constantly trying to fill the void. That’s what loneliness does. It creates an unmistakable void. I think what’s behind the void, the feeling of loneliness, is a feeling of unworthiness. We don’t feel worthy to have close intimate relationships.

We don’t feel worthy to have close intimate relationships. We look at ourselves with critical eyes refusing to see those eyes are not those of truth.

A friend of mine told me how this very thing ruined her life. When she was about 18-19 years old she met a man that blew her away with his kindness, loyalty, adventurous spirit among other things. Over the course of a couple years, she fell in love with him and she knew he felt the same way.

He was a bit shy so his way was to show her he loved her, but not really say it. She did the same. When he was thinking of moving to a different town to finish college she was devastated, but she never told him. She didn’t want to stand in the way or make him feel bad for doing what he needed to do.

All the while, all he wanted was for her to ask him to stay. Neither one told each other how they felt so he left. Why couldn’t she bring herself to tell him how she felt?

Why couldn’t she bring herself to tell him how she felt?

Because she felt unworthy of him. She didn’t feel good enough. She thought he was way out of her league. This decision proved to be disastrous in her life because she didn’t know how feel confident in her own skin. When she looked at herself, thought of herself, all she could do was see what she hated. She couldn’t possibly imagine she had anything good to offer this man.

So, she settled in every relationship after that furthering her view of herself. She self-destructed. Her expectations of others were awful low because of how she felt about herself and this furthered the self-destruction.

Some people use drugs, alcohol, food, eating disorders, shopping, striving for success, pretending to be someone they aren’t, just to name a few, to try to fill this gaping hole and thus self-destruct.

But the question of the day is how in the world does a person finally feel worthy of love and acceptance? I’d be lying if I told you it was easy. but I can tell you what worked for me.

I had to settle the question in my mind, in my heart, in every fiber of my being of who God was. That may be confusing to you, so allow me to explain.

If God doesn’t exist, then I will have to strive in all areas to prove to myself I am worthy. Tried that. Didn’t work.

If God does exist, what does that make me? Where do I stand with Him? Is He loving or is He cruel? Does He want me to succeed or does He stand up in Heaven waiting to bring the gauntlet down when I screw up?

After years of what I would call in-depth research, I found God to be kind, protective, confusing, mysterious, patient, justice orientated, loyal, truthful and crazy in love with me. What did I just say? Yep, He’s crazy in love with me…and you too! When that truth set in it crushed me. I felt so awful for holding God responsible for all the crap in my life.

I don’t know about you, but religion is not my thing. People warp it and use it to hurt others, so I’ve chosen to put all my eggs in the Jesus Basket.

Back to the question. How does a person feel worthy of love and acceptance? 

Knowing who God really is & knowing who you are to Him. If God is who He says He is, then arguing with Him about who I am, how important I am to Him, and how I fit into this mess called life is laughably ridiculous.

He is the God of ALL. He is the King of Kings. That makes you and me Princesses and Princes of THE KING. That also means we have an inheritance from Him if we choose to accept it. The cross solved the question of how important we are to Him. No one in their right mind would give everything for a nobody. No one in their right mind would do that just because He loves us so much He wanted us to be in Heaven with Him for all of

The cross solved the question of how important we are to Him. No one in their right mind would give everything for a nobody especially when that ‘everything’ entailed extreme torture here and in Hell.

But God isn’t like us. We are made in His image, but that doesn’t mean we will even come close to understanding His ways.

How do we fit into this messy, painful world? I like to look at it as God is the author and all of us are characters. We all have our part to play and only we can do certain things. And if God is love then I want to do my best for Him.

Doing my best for Him means I cling to the fact He loves me, gave up His life for me, sacrificed it all for me. And He did the same for you too.

When we have a rotten, critical thought come into our minds that would be a good time to say, “Nope, I’m a child of God. He loves me and He does not see me that way.”

Over time, we can then begin to see the loneliness drift away. We see ourselves more accurately acknowledging, yes we will always have faults and things to work on, but who we are at the core is deeply loved by the only One that matters.

And with that comes a feeling of worthiness. We begin to see we have something of value to offer. We also realize whatever that something is can only be done by us. I think that’s pretty cool! I will forever be humbled by how much God loves me and my girls and how much He has done and continues to do for us.

I hope you take the first step in the long journey to know God, know what He’s like, and know who you are to Him.

xoxo

-Teresa

I bet this may be a reason you hate Christianity

 

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HELLO! I hope you guys are loving summer right now! I know I am:)

I got this question that I thought was pretty alarming, but sadly, not all that uncommon in the church. Many of you know I’m a sold-out Jesus lover, but I’m not a fan of religion. I’m not a fan of mankind screwing up what God intended, but I also know we humans are full of our mistakes and biases. We all have great things to bring to the table too! God wants us to love Him and keep trying!

Whitney asked me about her marriage that is not going so well. The basic gist is her husband is beating over the head with a bible (proverbially I hope! 😉 using it to get her to do what he wants. Not cool, man! Christian people make mistakes too, so I’d like to address this one. I have some serious experience here!

That, my friends, is called spiritual abuse and as you may have guessed, it’s just as ugly as other forms of abuse. Whitney has some tough decisions to make. She’s only 20. Living in a situation like this is neither good for her or her husband. The sooner huge issues like this get nipped in the bud the better.

If the habit continues it is harder for her husband to create new patterns and be the guy God wants him to be. We are all tasked with crappy problems here and there, so take heart, it will get better. Doing the next little right thing is the name of the game here.

I want to make something really clear though. Just because people screw this up, doesn’t mean God is cool with it. He’s not. Yes, He is a God of grace, but He is also a God of truth. He needs us to speak the truth in love (grace.) He hates oppression. He hates abuse. He hates it when we use Him as a club to clobber someone with. Sticking with Him, what He loves and says is the best medicine.

Here are the books I told you about. They are affiliate links to good ‘ol amazon. Thanks for your support! You guys rock!

xoxo

-Teresa

 

Does worrying consume you? Check out some tips to help!

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If breaking things down more sounds good here is a great quick guide

Hey, guys!

Let me ask you a question. Would you say you worry about stuff? Do you worry about things you can’t control? Do you desperately want to fast forward your life to see if everything’s going to be okay? Me too 🙂

When I was younger I had the habit of going and doing fun things rather than address the things that worried me and needed my attention. It proved to be a disaster for me later on!

As I’ve gotten older it’s become increasingly important to make some kind of impact on society with what I’ve learned in life. You guys keep me up at night. Sorry to break it to you, but your futures bother me enough to leave me staring out the windows at 2:00 am wondering how I can help you not end up like some of us who have it pretty tough simply because we had no idea where our little decisions were leading.

I know you worry about your future too. I know this is a major stressor for a whole lot of you. I totally get it. How can you know what to major in in college by the time you’re a junior in high school? How are you suppose to know what you want to pursue as a career when you haven’t been able to experience enough? How are you going to make a living and support yourself and a someday family? How are you going to pay for college?

Here are some practical tips to think about:

So, let me share with you a lesson in all this that I had to learn the hard way. Since unfortunately, we have zero control over the future what can we do? All we can do is make the next right decision. I had to learn to take a deep breath and think about the next decision that needed to be made that would get me closer to what was important to me.

So, essentially, I had to ask myself: “Teresa, what are you practicing for?” While you do this, remember: You are the rule, not the exception. Never forget this. This is where we get ourselves into major trouble. The “that will never happen to me” complex.

Here are some examples of these questions to ask ourselves:

If I don’t study hard in high school I may not get the scholarships I need to go to college.

If I don’t keep up with my homework in college I will flunk out, costing my parents or myself a whole lot of money.

If I keep missing curfew I might get kicked out of the house.

If I keep buying clothes I won’t have money for rent which may lead to eviction.

If I have sex I’m practicing for pregnancy and STD’s.

If I sit around playing video games all day I won’t have a job and be able to support myself. (Yes, I know some people make a living out of this somehow, but that isn’t the norm.)

If I drink every weekend I’m practicing to have a drinking problem.

If I keep being disrespectful to my parents I will continue to have a horrible relationship with them.

Do you play out the decisions you make one at a time? I didn’t either. Partly because a brain that isn’t fully developed has a very hard time looking into the future. It’s more likely to live in the moment. While living in the moment is good on some level, it can come back to bite you in a HUGE, UGLY way.

But here’s the encouragement. Because life is a culmination of little decisions. The hope is you make far better ones than not. You can make every attempt to make the next little right decision. This is how you can get a handle on the worrying!

Sometimes bad things still happen, but focusing on what we CAN’T control will wreck us. Instead, focus on what you CAN control and do the next right thing.

If you’re a Christian I highly suggest you pray about it. God is very interested in you. Whether you know it or not, He loves you and wants the best for you. It may take some time for you to begin to recognize His voice, but until then here are some things you need to know:

  1. God will never ask you to do anything that goes against scripture
  2. He is a God of peace. If you are filled with anxiety, hold off on making any decision
  3. He often speaks in circumstances. If every door is shutting in the direction you want to go, then you should hold up and re-evaluate
  4. He also will often speak through other mature Christians, so ask. Find some people that are older than you because they have more experience and see if they’d be willing to be a mentor and someone you can ask advice of when you need it. If you feel horrified at the idea of asking someone, don’t! They will most likely feel SO honored you asked 🙂

Let me know if I can help you feel like you can relax a little rather than worry 🙂

xoxo

-Teresa

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Quick survey!

Hey you guys!

You guys are super awesome! I LOVE getting to answer your questions and learn more about how to help you.

I am wondering if I can ask a huge favor? I would love to hear from all of you, as well as any of your friends. I am conducting a quick anonymous  survey so I can serve you better. It’s super quick!

Pretty please click on the “Quick survey” link below!…..and share, share, share! 🙂

 

 

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xoxo
-Teresa

What if my boyfriend or girlfriend is competitive with me in a bad way?

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Hey there!

Have you ever had a person in your life who was close to you and very competitive with you in a critical way? It takes all the fun out of it, doesn’t it? When it’s a boyfriend or girlfriend it can turn the relationships pretty sour if it goes unchecked.

Kaylee wrote in about her boyfriend Ben. They are both highly competitive collegiate athletes who go to the same college. I get the feeling they are both at the top of their game. Excuse the pun 🙂

What’s unfortunate is Ben will show up to Kaylee’s games to keep track of her stats to compare with his own. If he beats her, he laughs and points out all the things she did wrong. If she beats him, he pouts. Wow.

Either way, Kaylee can’t be happy about her performance. Guys, our boyfriends or girlfriends and friends, and family for that matter are supposed to be our fans! They are supposed to be our cheerleaders, not our worst critic.

Kaylee is wondering how she can make this all better. Well, she can have a serious talk with Ben about his behavior and how it feels to be on the receiving end of it. After that, it’s important for Kaylee to watch how Ben changes or doesn’t change. It’s important to see him the way he really is instead of what she wants him to be.

I’ve had this type of thing happen to me and I’ve heard many varieties of this story from my clients over the years. What happens is this pattern goes from one thing to the next. Ben is critical of Kaylee with sports now, but if they get married and have a family it will go to being critical of her parenting, her career, how much money she makes or doesn’t make, how successful she is.

The list goes on, but the common factor is no matter what Kaylee does it will never be good enough or “right” for Ben. What is necessary for Ben is for Kaylee to be nothing so Ben can be something. Crazy! So crazy.

The main thing for Kaylee to know is she can’t change Ben. She can’t change anyone except herself. We women can be incredibly guilty of trying to change our significant other instead of seeing them for what they really are. It’s important for us to live in reality instead of having a fantasy wishing they would be all we want them to be.

After Kaylee communicates very clearly with Ben it is necessary for Kaylee’s future she accepts what she sees in him. If she doesn’t her future with Ben could derail her life. I’ve seen this over and over. It’s  even happened to me.

I hope Kaylee and any of you who are in her shoes will take situations like this seriously and choose to live in reality so you great decisions can be made for a very bright future. You are smart and you are capable!

Love to you all!

xoxo

-Teresa

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OR….

How can I fix a difficult relationship?

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We’ve all had difficult people in our lives. The older I get the more I see really good people being treated pretty poorly by someone that claims to love them. It can be hard to determine whether or not this relationship should even be saved. It can be a hard decision to make sometimes when we so desperately want this relationship to work.

Recently, I received a brave email from Abby. Her boyfriend, we’ll call him Zack, keeps her walking on eggshells. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a relationship like this before and it SUCKS!

Abby finds herself trying to defend all sorts of decisions she has made with good intentions only to have Zack turn things around on her and assign motive to what she did. What I mean by that is he will concoct this motive in his head that is ugly and then accuse Abby of this ugly motive she had for doing whatever it was she did.

Messy, yes. Confusing for Abby, oh yes! Then Abby is defending herself against whatever it is he came up with. Horrible and can make the “Abby” in the relationship feel like she’s going crazy. So bad.

Zack had created such a hostile and unpredictable environment for their relationship that she doesn’t feel safe to share what’s bothering her, what her goals are for the future, what’s exciting…nothing. Abby wants to be an attorney and she can’t even bring herself to talk with him about this huge, amazing goal for fear of how he may react.

I can tell you with certainty, that Abby can’t do one thing to “fix” this relationship. She has already talked to Zack about his behavior towards her and he has obviously made the decision to ignore her.

Until Zack figures out he has a big problem that is his and his alone, this relationship is dead in the water.

I want you guys to get the biggest lesson here:

WE CANNOT FIX OTHER PEOPLE. WE CANNOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE. AND WE CANNOT CHANGE IN OURSELVES AND IN OUR LIVES WHAT WE REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE.

You will most definitely feel like you are slamming your head in a door over and over when you try to change someone, especially when that person thinks you are somehow the root of their unhappiness.

The book Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can or Should be Saved is an awesome book. Seriously! I learned so much reading this book and it really is a guide. Here’s the affiliate link for it if you’d like. I’ll also provide the audio version if you’d prefer that.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can–and Should–be Saved

Audiobook:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing If Your Relationship Can – and Should – Be Saved

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What do I do if someone I really care about is making awful decisions?

 

When someone we love is making some awful decisions it can be incredibly stressful for us. It is very hard to watch to say the least!

Recently, I was asked about the following scenario. He is young man in a culture where is frowned upon to be considered even appearing promiscuous by any means, especially if you are a woman. His little sister is rebelling against some of the societal norms in their country and religion.

She is hanging out with the wrong crowd which includes older guys and it gives the appearance she could be sleeping around. In this culture, if you are not a virgin at marriage, you probably will never marry. To add even more to this situation, if you are a woman you are at a disadvantage, so never marrying is a big deal.

Her grades are slipping and like in many cases, if you don’t get a good education you can be setting yourself up for financial hardship down the road. Without a good education it can be tough to get a good paying job which could even lead to poverty.

So, understandably, her brother is very worried about his little sister! Good man! He’s wondering what he should do. Apparently, she is not listening to other key people in her life when they have somethings to say about her decisions.

This is a much more complicated question than it seems. As you may have heard me say, or read what I’ve written, you have to ask yourself, “who is this person to me and who am I to them?”

We’ve all had people just offer their unasked for opinion and it stinks! It feels yucky and offensive. If he has any prayer of his little sister really hearing him and making some changes he has to have a very good, loving relationship with her.

She NEEDS to know he loves her, cares for her, and protects her. If she doesn’t view him in that way, she will most likely rebel even more.

Rebellion often comes from a void we’re trying to fill which is hurtful and then that hurt turns into anger. We live our life with the preverbal middle finger in the air because we’re mad. We’re mad about the hurt and we don’t know what to do with that.

Easy to understand. But our decisions can really be pretty sketchy as we’re off trying all sorts of things to fill that void and ease that hurt. It’s rough.

Often times we fail to understand we all have a “Creator” shaped hole in us only He can fill. Think of it like a puzzle piece. We have the hole and He is the missing and perfectly shaped puzzle piece. No matter what religion you are this hole is there.

It has nothing to do with religion. In fact, God is not religious in the slightest. He made You to not live without Him so when we do that, we fail pretty miserably. We may look successful, but on the inside we know deep down something is missing. Then we will try to fill that hole with whatever we can.

Those things can even look good by societal standards. Great job. Wonderful spouse. Wealth. Big, fancy house. Cool kids. But the void is still there. We thought all those things would fill it, but it doesn’t work that way.

Back to the brother. He needs to think about how she views him and their relationship. If the brother does not have a great relationship with his sister, it is imperative he builds that BEFORE he tries to talk to her about her decisions and his worries for her. If he doesn’t do that first, she will not perceive him as concerned.

She may even perceive his motives as selfish, such as, “you only want me to live your way because I embarrass you.”  Yikes. That could get ugly quick!

She needs to see and feel he loves her as a person. He cares about her future. He doesn’t want to see her be hurt and suffer her whole adult life for the decisions she’s making now.

Hurting people need lots of love. They do not need condemnation, judgement, anger, etc. It may be hard not to feel all those things, but check yourself before you open your mouth and possibly make things worse!

Good luck and I’d love to hear how it all worked out!

xoxo

Teresa

P.S. Here’s an affiliate link for The Five Love Languages if you’d like 🙂
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

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I lost her. Now how do I get her back?

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I LOST HER. NOW HOW DO I GET HER BACK?

Hey, guys! Have you ever been in a situation where you screwed up so bad it cost you a relationship? Many times I’ve had guy clients sitting in my chair asking me, I lost her. Now how do I get her back?

Today I’m going to tell you a little story about how this guy screwed up and continues to make bad decisions that will preclude him from getting his wife back so you can learn what not to do.

We’ll obviously talk about the right way to handle things because, after all, we’re human so we all screw up sometimes. The key is to recognize it, fix it, and make every attempt to never repeat your mistake.

So Mark and Katie have been married for a few years. Usually, if you are even serious about a person much less taking the step to marry them you make some changes so you’re not living like you’re single.

Well, Mark didn’t do that. I don’t want to be mean, but I do want to be honest here so you can learn. Mark is selfish. He would rather spend his free time at sports bars with his friends than with his wife. Instead of doing things together like friends should because after all, your spouse should be your best friend, he found anything to do except spend time with her.

He would go on mini vacations without her. He always had money to spend on things he liked, but there was never enough money for things that mattered to her. He had SO much fun without her.

Not only did he neglect her, he was a major jerk to her. He yelled at her, refused to be reasonable, would make big deal out of little things. He pretty much made it very clear how much of a pain in the butt she was to him.

One of the things I find interesting about Mark is that while he was off living like a bachelor, he would try to micromanage her from afar. He would send her texts and emails to check to see if she had gotten done what was important to him. Weird.

I’m really not sure why Mark thought he was ready to be in a relationship much less married!

I bet Katie feels like she got ripped off in a major way! That is definitely NOT what a girl signs up for when she says, “I do!” Not surprisingly she got tired of all this and left.

And the saga continues….Mark’s staggering selfishness doesn’t end there. When he finally gets a chance to talk to her, he has the nerve to ask her, “Katie, what are YOU going to do to fix your part in this?” Excuse me? Did I just hear that right?

Wow! All I have to say is wow, but not for long! LOL, I’m not at a loss for words for too long! That’s a perfect prescription for never getting her back if she’s smart.

We all make mistakes. We’re human. What IS the problem is making the same mistakes for YEARS and then making it the problem of the person you hurt. How crazy is that! Did I mention Mark has an issue with selfishness?

Let’s talk about how toxic that is for a minute.

Mark has made what I call some deal-breaking decisions. What I mean by that is his behavior is so rotten that it has caused the relationship to break down so much Katie felt she needed to end it.

Katie isn’t perfect. None of us are, but her mistakes were not deal breakers. Her mistakes fell under the category of ‘something to work on,’ not something that will cost her her marriage.

It is incredibly insulting and toxic to do things that ruin a relationship and then turn it around to be the other person’s responsibility to fix your mistakes. It’s crazy making!

This has been a consistent pattern for Mark and it makes Katie feel like she’s going crazy. She’s left feeling like she is somehow responsible for Mark’s bad decisions. She’s not!

One thing I’d like to point out is Mark lost her along time ago. He lost her long before she left. Every time he ignored her, treated her harshly, criticized and micromanaged her instead of love on her, he lost her. He lost her one bad decision at a time.

To screw with Katie’s head, even more, Mark would throw in little random acts of kindness here and there leaving Katie wondering if she is overreacting with her hurt.

Maybe Katie would want to read:
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It

and/or
Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can–and Should–be Saved

(You can find audiobook links to these on my Resource Page as well.)

Okay, so Mark lost her. How does he get her back? What should he have done instead?

Let’s go back to the very beginning. Mark should have really analyzed his heart before he got into a serious relationship. He should’ve been asking himself whether or not he was ready to make Katie his number one priority. He obviously wasn’t ready for that and therefore should not have led Katie to believe he was ready to be a husband, or serious boyfriend for that matter.

Now that Mark has lost her…and here’s the kicker…he should’ve thought about things from Katie’s perspective, understood and owned the hurt he caused her, and then, when she was ready to talk, profusely apologized in detail.

She needs to hear what he did to hurt her, how sorry he is, and that he will make every attempt to not ever do it again. Then he needs to really close his mouth and listen. If she’s angry and needs to vent, he needs to really listen. I’m not talking about Katie being destructive in her venting. That’s not cool. I’m saying she needs to feel heard.

Never in this conversation should Katie’s mistakes be brought up. That can come much later. What people fail to understand much of the time is when we own our mistakes and take full responsibility, it often will cause the other person to feel secure enough to look at their issues on their own without being told.

Think about how it would feel to have someone close to you do something very hurtful and then flip it around to somehow be your responsibility to fix! It just feels so insulting and well, yucky!

Once Mark is well on his way to establishing new habits that convey love and care for his wife, for quite awhile, then if there are somethings he’d like to bring up with Katie, now it would be appropriate.

This way of acknowledging our mistakes, apologizing, and making every attempt to never repeat the same mistake can be applied to any situation. Some are much more serious than this one and then you need to ask yourself if the relationship should be saved, especially if you are the Katie in the story!

Take care! See you next time!

Teresa

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Am I dating the right one?

Am I Dating the Right One?

Have you ever wondered if you’re dating the right one or if the one you are interested in could be the right one for you? Do you ever think you’re wasting your time? Is it an aggravating relationship…or a thriving life-giving one?

I get a lot of questions about the actions of shady people, but how do the good ones act? What are their patterns of behavior?

Once you figure this out, you will be miles ahead because hopefully you haven’t married them yet…or worse, had kids with them. If you have, that’s ok. There are ways to navigate that too. I know, because I’ve done it!! 🙂

First, to help you figure out if you are in fact dating the right one I’ve included links to a couple articles I wrote. These will help you figure out what kind of a person they really are. Try to keep your emotions out of it so you can have an open mind. Feel free to print them off if you find them helpful.

List of great character traits

How do I know if someone is cool (safe)?

and finally

List of abusive patterns

The reason articles like these are important is because, if you’re anything like I was when I was dating in my teens and 20’s, you may think you know what a good person is, but you really have no idea. I thought I was dating the right one a few times and boy was I wrong! LOL Taking a quick peak at these will help reality unfold! 🙂

Second, I certainly don’t want you to take any offense to that!! Please! But sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know and I don’t want you to have to deal with the same nightmares I have. The people we allow to be close to us have immense power in our lives, so choosing carefully is crucial.

Knowing whether this person passes the test, so to speak, to being a good person is the first step. Remember, niceness does not equal goodness! All the guys I dated (or married) who have screwed me over were ‘nice’ at first.

And finally, don’t be afraid to break up early. Once you have any indication that the person you’re dating is not right for you just tell them in your own way. The sooner you do this the less attached you both are and will be making this process much easier.

Here are a couple ideas:
I don’t feel like we’re right for each other.
I don’t feel like our lives are heading in the same direction.
This isn’t working for me.
I’d like us to go our separate ways.
I don’t feel like we jive.

Notice I didn’t say things like:
I think you’re really nice, but…
I still want to be friends, but…
You’re going to make some girl so lucky, but…

When we leave an open door it leads them to believe there’s still a chance. Now maybe you really do want to remain friends and leaving that open door is a risk you’re willing to take. No problem. Just know you may be revisiting this again with them.

If they have been good to you and do not give you any indication they may be dangerous, break up with them in person…but in a public place, like a coffee shop.

If they have been pretty awful then don’t feel bad sending a text. I’m usually a face to face person, but if they’re that bad then they didn’t earn that privilege and face to face may be dangerous for you.

I truly hope the one you’re dating is the right one for you, meaning they pass with flying colors and you all have a super life together! Just remember, finding the right one is like finding a needle in a haystack. That means you’re going to have to say ‘no’ a whole lot!

Love you all! Peace out!
-Teresa
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What if my friends don’t like my boyfriend or girlfriend?

What if my Friends Don’t Like my Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

Have you ever been stuck between your boyfriend or girlfriend and your friends? You like them all, but they hate each other! AH!!! What are you supposed to do?

When your friends don’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend it’s important to spend a little time thinking about the kind of people you’re dealing with. Making a decision influenced by people who don’t have your best interests at heart is only something you will live to regret.

Check out my videos:

What’s up with fake friends?

and

How do you know if you have a real friend?

These videos will hopefully help you figure out whether or not to listen to your friends. They will also help you figure out if you need to make some changes in that area too!

If you have real friends, spend time really trying to listen and understand why they don’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend. Does it makes sense? Do you see their point? If you can see they’re right, why are you having a hard time breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend?

In this particular video I will help you weed through the mess and hopefully make things more clear for you. Making informed decisions is crucial to your success in any endeavor, so let’s get started!


What’s up with fake friends?!

Having fake friends can be devastating, especially when it never occurred to you that they may be fake in the first place! Our friends can really make or break our joy in life.

As I’ve gotten older and lived through more junk, it’s become quite evident that real friends are the rarity and guess what? That’s okay!

We couldn’t possibly have the time and energy for 20 real friends anyway! If you’re not sure what a real friend is so you can see why I say that there are some articles for you to take a peak at as well as a video.

List of great character traits

How do I know if someone is cool (safe)?

and finally,

How do know if you have a real friend

When we decide what we really want and need are real friends then we should become one and see what happens. We tend to attract what we are. If we have high expectations of ourselves, we will attract the like and therefore have friends that realize they need to be the real deal to hang with you.

They will see you don’t have time for fake friends…and you can spot one pretty quick, so trying to be fake won’t work with you.

Great acquaintances are fun and we can have lots of those, but those aren’t the people we really share our life with. We don’t put a lot of energy into these relationships and that’s okay! We’d wear ourselves out trying anyway!

They also aren’t really all that fake usually. A true fake friend is one that goes to a lot of trouble to keep on their hook. They’ve got some issues that will only hurt you in the end, so seeing them early will save you some heartache!

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How to know if you have a real friend

Do you ever wonder how you can know if you friends are real or fake? How do I know if I can trust them? The answer to this question can be quite liberating depending how you look at it.

I hope you can see that watching how people ACT is far more important than what they say. The story in this video should help you be even smarter so you can make some better decisions.

So I don’t spoil it for you I’d like you to consider taking a look at the following articles:

How to know if someone is cool (safe)?

The reason this one is important is because if someone, whether guy or girl, is an emotionally safe person then they mostly likely will prove to be a real friend. They are already thinking about how their actions affect other people.

List of great character traits

When you can see great character traits pretty easily you will know a fake friend from a real one quite quickly.

Always watch how they act. People can and do often talk a good game, but when it comes right down to it they don’t have their life together at all. Our goal is to spend much of our time with the most emotionally healthy people we can!

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What if a guy doesn’t like you back?

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When I was in 4th grade this guy…we’ll call him Mark…had a crush on this girl…we’ll call her Emma. She had dark hair and dark eyes and was just as pretty as could be. I was pretty bummed because I really liked him, as much as a 4th grader can like a guy 🙂

He on the other hand had ‘friend zoned’ me and that was awful! I still remember it, so it really must’ve bothered me!

No matter how old you are when a guy doesn’t like you back it can really hurt. You may start to wonder what’s wrong with you, if you’re pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough at whatever he likes. The list can get quite long when you’re in that state of mind.

Let me introduce you to something called pheromones. The simplest way I can explain them is they are a scent we all give off. They are involved with us being attracted to someone…or not attracted.

We all give off natural scents and they even change a bit with our own hormones. Perfume and cologne companies know all about this which is why they bank so much money!! They create scents that are attractive!

You might be thinking, ‘well, I’ll just wear perfume and maybe he’ll find me attractive!’ Hold on a minute sister!

What if these pheromones are kind of like a map helping you find the one you are meant to be with? What if that guy who doesn’t like you back isn’t meant to be your someday husband?

Whatever type of relationship you’re in, just apply this principle. Trust that God has just the right one for you and it’s not this one who’s not interested.

It doesn’t mean you’re not awesome, beautiful, brilliant and gifted. It just means he’s not the one for you. Do you really want to spend your life chasing someone who doesn’t feel the same way…all because of pheromones!

Sweetie, just grab a chick flick and some chocolate and enjoy one evening of sulking. But be up bright and early the next day because it is full of adventure! 🙂

Just love you all…and if you’d like to subscribe…
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