Does worrying consume you? Check out some tips to help!

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If breaking things down more sounds good here is a great quick guide

Hey, guys!

Let me ask you a question. Would you say you worry about stuff? Do you worry about things you can’t control? Do you desperately want to fast forward your life to see if everything’s going to be okay? Me too ๐Ÿ™‚

When I was younger I had the habit of going and doing fun things rather than address the things that worried me and needed my attention. It proved to be a disaster for me later on!

As I’ve gotten older it’s become increasingly important to make some kind of impact on society with what I’ve learned in life. You guys keep me up at night. Sorry to break it to you, but your futures bother me enough to leave me staring out the windows at 2:00 am wondering how I can help you not end up like some of us who have it pretty tough simply because we had no idea where our little decisions were leading.

I know you worry about your future too. I know this is a major stressor for a whole lot of you. I totally get it. How can you know what to major in in college by the time you’re a junior in high school? How are you suppose to know what you want to pursue as a career when you haven’t been able to experience enough? How are you going to make a living and support yourself and a someday family? How are you going to pay for college?

Here are some practical tips to think about:

So, let me share with you a lesson in all this that I had to learn the hard way. Since unfortunately, we have zero control over the future what can we do? All we can do is make the next right decision. I had to learn to take a deep breath and think about the next decision that needed to be made that would get me closer to what was important to me.

So, essentially, I had to ask myself: “Teresa, what are you practicing for?” While you do this, remember:ย You are the rule, not the exception.ย Never forget this. This is where we get ourselves into major trouble. The “that will never happen to me” complex.

Here are some examples of these questions to ask ourselves:

If I don’t study hard in high school I may not get the scholarships I need to go to college.

If I don’t keep up with my homework in college I will flunk out, costing my parents or myself a whole lot of money.

If I keep missing curfew I might get kicked out of the house.

If I keep buying clothes I won’t have money for rent which may lead to eviction.

If I have sex I’m practicing for pregnancy and STD’s.

If I sit around playing video games all day I won’t have a job and be able to support myself. (Yes, I know some people make a living out of this somehow, but that isn’t the norm.)

If I drink every weekend I’m practicing to have a drinking problem.

If I keep being disrespectful to my parents I will continue to have a horrible relationship with them.

Do you play out the decisions you make one at a time? I didn’t either. Partly because a brain that isn’t fully developed has a very hard time looking into the future. It’s more likely to live in the moment. While living in the moment is good on some level, it can come back to bite you in a HUGE, UGLY way.

But here’s the encouragement. Because life is a culmination of little decisions. The hope is you make far better ones than not. You can make every attempt to make the next little right decision. This is how you can get a handle on the worrying!

Sometimes bad things still happen, but focusing on what we CAN’T control will wreck us. Instead, focus on what you CAN control and do the next right thing.

If you’re a Christian I highly suggest you pray about it. God is very interested in you. Whether you know it or not, He loves you and wants the best for you. It may take some time for you to begin to recognize His voice, but until then here are some things you need to know:

  1. God will never ask you to do anything that goes against scripture
  2. He is a God of peace. If you are filled with anxiety, hold off on making any decision
  3. He often speaks in circumstances. If every door is shutting in the direction you want to go, then you should hold up and re-evaluate
  4. He also will often speak through other mature Christians, so ask. Find some people that are older than you because they have more experience and see if they’d be willing to be a mentor and someone you can ask advice of when you need it. If you feel horrified at the idea of asking someone, don’t! They will most likely feel SO honored you asked ๐Ÿ™‚

Let me know if I can help you feel like you can relax a little rather than worry ๐Ÿ™‚

xoxo

-Teresa

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xoxo
-Teresa

What do I do if someone I really care about is making awful decisions?

 

When someone we love is making some awful decisions it can be incredibly stressful for us. It is very hard to watch to say the least!

Recently, I was asked about the following scenario. He is young man in a culture where is frowned upon to be considered even appearing promiscuous by any means, especially if you are a woman. His little sister is rebelling against some of the societal norms in their country and religion.

She is hanging out with the wrong crowd which includes older guys and it gives the appearance she could be sleeping around. In this culture, if you are not a virgin at marriage, you probably will never marry. To add even more to this situation, if you are a woman you are at a disadvantage, so never marrying is a big deal.

Her grades are slipping and like in many cases, if you don’t get a good education you can be setting yourself up for financial hardship down the road. Without a good education it can be tough to get a good paying job which could even lead to poverty.

So, understandably, her brother is very worried about his little sister! Good man! He’s wondering what he should do. Apparently, she is not listening to other key people in her life when they have somethings to say about her decisions.

This is a much more complicated question than it seems. As you may have heard me say, or read what I’ve written, you have to ask yourself, “who is this person to me and who am I to them?”

We’ve all had people just offer their unasked for opinion and it stinks! It feels yucky and offensive. If he has any prayer of his little sister really hearing him and making some changes he has to have a very good, loving relationship with her.

She NEEDS to know he loves her, cares for her, and protects her. If she doesn’t view him in that way, she will most likely rebel even more.

Rebellion often comes from a void we’re trying to fill which is hurtful and then that hurt turns into anger. We live our life with the preverbal middle finger in the air because we’re mad. We’re mad about the hurt and we don’t know what to do with that.

Easy to understand. But our decisions can really be pretty sketchy as we’re off trying all sorts of things to fill that void and ease that hurt. It’s rough.

Often times we fail to understand we all have a “Creator” shaped hole in us only He can fill. Think of it like a puzzle piece. We have the hole and He is the missing and perfectly shaped puzzle piece. No matter what religion you are this hole is there.

It has nothing to do with religion. In fact, God is not religious in the slightest. He made You to not live without Him so when we do that, we fail pretty miserably. We may look successful, but on the inside we know deep down something is missing. Then we will try to fill that hole with whatever we can.

Those things can even look good by societal standards. Great job. Wonderful spouse. Wealth. Big, fancy house. Cool kids. But the void is still there. We thought all those things would fill it, but it doesn’t work that way.

Back to the brother. He needs to think about how she views him and their relationship. If the brother does not have a great relationship with his sister, it is imperative he builds that BEFORE he tries to talk to her about her decisions and his worries for her. If he doesn’t do that first, she will not perceive him as concerned.

She may even perceive his motives as selfish, such as, “you only want me to live your way because I embarrass you.” ย Yikes. That could get ugly quick!

She needs to see and feel he loves her as a person. He cares about her future. He doesn’t want to see her be hurt and suffer her whole adult life for the decisions she’s making now.

Hurting people need lots of love. They do not need condemnation, judgement, anger, etc. It may be hard not to feel all those things, but check yourself before you open your mouth and possibly make things worse!

Good luck and I’d love to hear how it all worked out!

xoxo

Teresa

P.S. Here’s an affiliate link for The Five Love Languages if you’d like ๐Ÿ™‚
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

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Why is my boyfriend such a jerk?

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Why is my boyfriend such a jerk?

Why do we let this question roll around in our heads for so long? We as women give the benefit of the doubt to often it seems.

In the 22 years of being a hairstylist I’ve heard an awful lot of juicy stories about jerk boyfriends and husbands. To be fair most of my clients were women so I’m not sure what their men thought of them! LOL

There is a real simple answer to why is my boyfriend such a jerk? It’s because we let them. We teach people how to treat us.

Will your boyfriend still be a jerk if you dump him? Yes. But, guess what? He’s not your problem to fix! So freeing to hear that, right?

Your only problem is you! When you have kids then they will be your problem to some degree as well, but for now focus on you. You are the only one you can control.

There are a lot of broken people out there all because they thought they could fix someone. It’s just not true. We can influence people, but we cannot change or fix them.

If YOU let someone mistreat you it’s extremely important to analyze why. There might be some codependency issues. Maybe you were treated horribly as a kid so you don’t expect more.

There are so many facets to this! Check out this video to see what I have to say about it. When boyfriends are jerks it can wreak so much havoc in our lives and our futures, so please listen up and make some great decisions here!

xoxo
-Teresa
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Should I sleep with him?

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Should I sleep with him?

I once heard a man say, “if you are dating a guy, once you sleep wit him he won’t work for your love anymore.” He went on to explain, “most men are really looking for one thing and if you didn’t make him work for it and marry you, then you’ve essentially taught him he has to do very little to get all he wants. And where does that leave you? It leaves you consistently used and disrespected.”

WOW! When I heard a man of all people explain this, that’s all I could say. WOW!

In all seriousness, there is no reset button in life. No real do overs, not really. Especially not in this case.

Many times when this question is asked, the real life ramifications are not considered. It seems sex ed class is devoid of these real life truths and dire consequences that often fall hard on an innocent child. When I’m asked, “should I sleep with him” many times most of these topics have not been thoroughly thought out.

STD’s
What if you get and STD? What if it’s incurable? How will that feel having to tell anyone who shows interest in the future? Even if it is curable, how fun is it to go to the doctor and explain?

Pregnancy
What if you get pregnant? Birth control is not 100%. If you’re having sex you need to ask yourself if you’re prepared to be a parent. How will that feel to have to tell those you respect? If you’re still in school how will that feel walking through the halls with an ever growing tummy?

If you get pregnant and have this little blessing you will have to get used to ‘mom guilt.’ It’s real and it sucks. You will feel guilty for being away from him/her for school, work, fun, anything. The vast majority of our nations poverty belongs to single moms. Think about that. I’ve been a single mom and it is very hard. All you want to do is be home with your babies, but you have to work and go to school to have hope of a better future. A whole lot of ‘mom guilt.’

Dads
And then there’s the dad. Is he a nightmare? Had one of those too. Nothing will break you in half than having to send your precious child with someone you can’t trust simply because the law says so. He has just as much right to your child as you do and if he’s a dirtbag, then guess what? This innocent child picks up the tab. That is a tragedy. It takes real talent to get your child legally taken away, so there’s a whole lot he can do that is horrible before anything can be done. I’ve lived it, so I know. The trauma you and your child will suffer is indescribable.

Being a single mom

Back when I was 25 I found out my now ex-husband had a whole second life filled with women and all sorts of horrible stuff. I had a 15 month old daughter and was 2 months pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I’m not a fan of cheaters, so he was promptly removed from my house and the divorce proceedings began starting my life as a single mom.

I was running a business, going to college full-time and owned a horse property that took a lot of work all on top of being a single mom. IT WAS HARD! Remember the mom-guilt I talked about? So real.

I was getting up at 2:30am to do homework and whatever house work was leftover from the night before because I very much value spending a lot of quality time with my girls. We had a lot of fun, but I was exhausted. I still had to go to class and I worked like a dog when they were with their dad for the 2 1/2 days a week so I wouldn’t have to work the days they were with me.

I’m very lucky I was a self-employed hairstylist. I was able to run my own schedule and make enough money to make things work without them having to be in daycare 40 hours or more a week. They only spent about 9 hours a week there. Not common and I feel very grateful for that.

My girls and I are very, very close and part of that comes from all we’ve been through together, but let’s face it, you can be close without tragedy. I’d still be close to them even if our lives were sunshine and roses. My point here is to make decisions in such a way as to not make your life any harder than it has to be. Just be smart and appreciate delayed gratification.

Abortion
Think an abortion is the way to go? Women who have had abortions are 6 times more likely to commit suicide. Wow. Think about that.

A friend of mine had an abortion years ago and she every night when she lays down to go to sleep, in the quiet of the night, she can’t get away from the torment that she killed her own baby. Her words, not mine. She can’t get away from it and it eats at her every time she’s quiet. It’s a baby. Not a thing. It has feeling. It fully feels being brutally killed. She wishes everyday of her life she didn’t sleep with him all those years ago.

It doesn’t matter if you’re pro choice or not and I don’t mean that disrespectfully, I’m just stating the facts. And…we will all stand before God one day to give an account for our lives. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in Him either. It doesn’t make Him any less real. You can swear all day long the sky is yellow and it doesn’t make it so. Killing your baby is a big deal. The biggest deal of your life. Think about it.

Adoption

Depending on your age and the stage you’re at in your life, this is probably the best option. You can have a closed or open adoption. Open means you get to see your baby sometimes. You get to pick the family and hopefully they remain supportive of you being in their lives. I’ve known people that were on all sides of this. The mom who gave her baby up for closed adoption, the mom who gave her baby up for open-adoption, the parents who adopted, the kids who were adopted, the kids who were the siblings of the new adopted baby.

All of it is hard for different reasons, but if I’m talking to you right now about whether you want to sleep with your boyfriend I’m just going to tell you if you get pregnant it will be hard no matter what you do.

If you bravely give your baby up for adoption (I recommend open adoption) because you are not in a position to offer a positive life for your baby it is still going to hurt so bad. It may be best for your baby, but as a mom myself I can tell you there is no one on the planet you will ever love more than your kids. To not bring them home, even if it’s best for your baby, it will cause deep pain. Please just think about it.

Break-ups
Break-ups are harder after you sleep with him. They just are. How are you going to feel if you guys break up? Will you stay in a destructive relationship longer if you went that far? I have found many women do. They say to me, “if only I didn’t sleep with him!” You can’t go back and change it, so if it’s destructive you just need to get out and move on.

But, how will you feel if he tells people about your private moments? How will you feel having given everything you have to someone and then watch them walk away?

As you can see, no I’m not one of those people who says, “well, if you feel like you’re ready then go ahead.’ I’ve been through enough in life to tell you the honest logistical truth and it’s not pretty.

Sex is wisely reserved for marriage. Hopefully the person you marry has gone through all the rigorous screening necessary to be your spouse, so sex is secondary.

I personally think dating should be looked at kind of like a long-term job interview. The most important one of your lives…..Being married. Being married is much like a job. It takes really great, consistent decisions by both people to make it work.

Think about it my friends. No one ever regretted waiting, but millions have regretted the consequences of NOT waiting.


Should I have a long distance relationship in high school?

 

Anyone who has ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend who lives somewhere else know that long distance relationships take even more intentionality.

Some people do a great job making this work! I’m a firm believer that if it’s meant to be it will be.

I do, however, have to offer what I have seen most often over the years. Cheating. Lying. Heartbreak. Sometimes one sees this coming and isn’t so surprised.

But, sometimes you think this is the “the one” and it is Earth shattering when you discover he or she is capable of such hurtful things!

There is one way I have seen a variation of this work more times than not: Break up and be friends. Still continue to keep in touch like friends would. Both people are free to date and have a life without upsetting the other person.

Then the goal is to try to connect again when it’s possible. Maybe that means trying to go to the same college.

I once knew a couple that wanted to take a gap year so they saved as much money as they could…and met up in some Caribbean Island!! How fun is that! They both got jobs and had a fantastically fun year.

The funny thing was that they decided they weren’t meant to be married. They chose to remain close friends, but go their separate ways.

They both feel so grateful for that year and for the realization that came with it.

I’m not saying this is even the norm, but there are so many ways to try to salvage a relationship. Breaking up and allowing each other to date and have a normal life seems to be the most healthy and successful.

You guys are crazy smart, so I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you.


What if a guy likes you, but still has a girlfriend? Part 1

Wow, do I get a lot of questions about this one! The story is really all the same though with just a few different details.

Where girls get stuck is they think they are the exception rather than the rule. So, if he will flirt and hit on you when he has a girlfriend, he will most certainly do that to you!

The type of guy how just can’t be fully faithful is not the kind of guy you want. He will prove to be a major headache for you. If a guy likes you, but still has a girlfriend and he tells you that just tell him you’re not interested.

Distancing yourself from him in anyway possible is going to be a good thing for you. You definitely do not want any part of this mess he’s trying to create.

Just ask yourself how you’d feel if you were the girlfriend. You’d be ticked and rightfully so.

I can’t remember what the movie is called, but it has the same guy who has a wife and two girlfriends. They find out about each other and team up as payback. It is SO funny!

He was absolutely the guy who was messing around on his girlfriend before she became his wife and all the girlfriends that came before her!

Spot him, avoid him, cut him off from yourself whether you want to or not. Trust me! You will thank me for it later and if you don’t you will wish you had!

Take if from someone who’s been there! My now ex-husband was the guy who had a second life that I found out about when I was 2 months pregnant with our second daughter. Our first daughter was only 15 months old. He was a nightmare then and he still is. Guys like that have terrible character all over the place. There’s really no good part of their character, so run!



How do I know if someone is cool (safe)?

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When guys meet girls they often worry about pretty superficial things. Women, on the other hand worry about safety things.

One of my friends met this guy online. They spent a few months getting to know each other talking on the phone when they decided to meet at a coffee shop on a Sunday around 11am.

When they met, she thought things were fine. They talked for about an hour when he suddenly needed to go. They walked out together and as they walked around the corner he slammed her against the brick wall and began to choke her! What a wacko!

Some older lady came around the corner and beat him off with her purse and he took off. The cops were called and they told her she deserved it for meeting him online! Can you believe that?

She did all the things she could to be safe by meeting in a busy public place in the middle of the day. She never thought this could happen to her.

She told me while he was choking her he was calling her names referring to her weight. She things he thought she misrepresented herself because her face that is naturally very thin in the online pictures did not reflect her weight problem.

She had had gastric bypass and looked quite wonderful. He, however, did not agree so he flipped out. Crazy!

I have a black belt in a mixed martial art so I taught her a few things so she could protect herself better. I would highly recommend you guys take some self-protection classes. If you can’t, at least watch some videos on YouTube. There is no substitution for physically practicing, but it’s better than nothing.

When I asked my friend if she was completely peaceful about this guy BEFORE they walked out together. She thought about it for a minute.

She said no. She felt nervous. She thought it was just because she was meeting someone new, but admitted she didn’t slow down to really tune into why she was feeling what she was feeling.

Talk about having to learn the hard way! Poor girl!

There a quite a few signs to look for, but the ‘ol gut feeling is what you should be listening to!

The Gift of Fear is a must read when it comes to keeping yourself safe and it reads kind of like a thriller! Gavin deBecker tells stories and then goes back through them to share with us what was missed.

Gavin is touted as the nation’s leading expert in predicting violent behavior. He as a firm that helps people from all walks of life with very dangerous situations.

I have begged and begged my high school and college age women clients to read this book. Here is the link ๐Ÿ™‚

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

And here’s a link if you prefer audiobooks.

The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence


What are the signs a guy could get abusive?

Sadly, I have some experience here. I could give example after example. The video will explain much for you.

But there is one thing that trumps everything. Want to know what it is? Are you sure you really want to know? Are you sure you will really listen to it?

It’s you gut instinct. Even Navy Seals report this is something they never question in each other, but oh wow, so women ignore and reason with this all the time. I was one of them!

You reason with yourself that goes something like this…in your mind, of course. “Gosh, he’s not doing anything creepy. He’s being polite, but I just feel yucky.”

Yucky is a very valid feeling! In the moment I doubt any of us search through our mental rolodex looking for just the right “feeling word.” LOL

Yucky is more than enough to find an excuse to go, to not text or call back, to change your routine so you don’t run into this person, and to block his number.

Men are the most dangerous things on the planet for women. Read that again. It’s true. It is up to us to listen to what we already know. Don’t ignore it. Don’t reason with it. It’s there so you get the heck out of there and NOT find out why you feel so yucky. That’s the whole point.

There is no other species on the plant that reasons with their enemies. You will never see a rabbit on a remote trail staring at a mountain lion saying to herself, “well, he seems nice.”

But, guess what? That is often exactly what a woman says after being assaulted. “He seemed nice.”

Sometimes signs are covert, thus you need to listen to that gut instinct…or as I call it, ‘my creep meter,’ and sometimes the signs are glaring. I’ll talk about both in this video.

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