I lost her. Now how do I get her back?
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I LOST HER. NOW HOW DO I GET HER BACK?
Hey, guys! Have you ever been in a situation where you screwed up so bad it cost you a relationship? Many times I’ve had guy clients sitting in my chair asking me, I lost her. Now how do I get her back?
Today I’m going to tell you a little story about how this guy screwed up and continues to make bad decisions that will preclude him from getting his wife back so you can learn what not to do.
We’ll obviously talk about the right way to handle things because, after all, we’re human so we all screw up sometimes. The key is to recognize it, fix it, and make every attempt to never repeat your mistake.
So Mark and Katie have been married for a few years. Usually, if you are even serious about a person much less taking the step to marry them you make some changes so you’re not living like you’re single.
Well, Mark didn’t do that. I don’t want to be mean, but I do want to be honest here so you can learn. Mark is selfish. He would rather spend his free time at sports bars with his friends than with his wife. Instead of doing things together like friends should because after all, your spouse should be your best friend, he found anything to do except spend time with her.
He would go on mini vacations without her. He always had money to spend on things he liked, but there was never enough money for things that mattered to her. He had SO much fun without her.
Not only did he neglect her, he was a major jerk to her. He yelled at her, refused to be reasonable, would make big deal out of little things. He pretty much made it very clear how much of a pain in the butt she was to him.
One of the things I find interesting about Mark is that while he was off living like a bachelor, he would try to micromanage her from afar. He would send her texts and emails to check to see if she had gotten done what was important to him. Weird.
I’m really not sure why Mark thought he was ready to be in a relationship much less married!
I bet Katie feels like she got ripped off in a major way! That is definitely NOT what a girl signs up for when she says, “I do!” Not surprisingly she got tired of all this and left.
And the saga continues….Mark’s staggering selfishness doesn’t end there. When he finally gets a chance to talk to her, he has the nerve to ask her, “Katie, what are YOU going to do to fix your part in this?” Excuse me? Did I just hear that right?
Wow! All I have to say is wow, but not for long! LOL, I’m not at a loss for words for too long! That’s a perfect prescription for never getting her back if she’s smart.
We all make mistakes. We’re human. What IS the problem is making the same mistakes for YEARS and then making it the problem of the person you hurt. How crazy is that! Did I mention Mark has an issue with selfishness?
Let’s talk about how toxic that is for a minute.
Mark has made what I call some deal-breaking decisions. What I mean by that is his behavior is so rotten that it has caused the relationship to break down so much Katie felt she needed to end it.
Katie isn’t perfect. None of us are, but her mistakes were not deal breakers. Her mistakes fell under the category of ‘something to work on,’ not something that will cost her her marriage.
It is incredibly insulting and toxic to do things that ruin a relationship and then turn it around to be the other person’s responsibility to fix your mistakes. It’s crazy making!
This has been a consistent pattern for Mark and it makes Katie feel like she’s going crazy. She’s left feeling like she is somehow responsible for Mark’s bad decisions. She’s not!
One thing I’d like to point out is Mark lost her along time ago. He lost her long before she left. Every time he ignored her, treated her harshly, criticized and micromanaged her instead of love on her, he lost her. He lost her one bad decision at a time.
To screw with Katie’s head, even more, Mark would throw in little random acts of kindness here and there leaving Katie wondering if she is overreacting with her hurt.
Maybe Katie would want to read:
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
(You can find audiobook links to these on my Resource Page as well.)
Okay, so Mark lost her. How does he get her back? What should he have done instead?
Let’s go back to the very beginning. Mark should have really analyzed his heart before he got into a serious relationship. He should’ve been asking himself whether or not he was ready to make Katie his number one priority. He obviously wasn’t ready for that and therefore should not have led Katie to believe he was ready to be a husband, or serious boyfriend for that matter.
Now that Mark has lost her…and here’s the kicker…he should’ve thought about things from Katie’s perspective, understood and owned the hurt he caused her, and then, when she was ready to talk, profusely apologized in detail.
She needs to hear what he did to hurt her, how sorry he is, and that he will make every attempt to not ever do it again. Then he needs to really close his mouth and listen. If she’s angry and needs to vent, he needs to really listen. I’m not talking about Katie being destructive in her venting. That’s not cool. I’m saying she needs to feel heard.
Never in this conversation should Katie’s mistakes be brought up. That can come much later. What people fail to understand much of the time is when we own our mistakes and take full responsibility, it often will cause the other person to feel secure enough to look at their issues on their own without being told.
Think about how it would feel to have someone close to you do something very hurtful and then flip it around to somehow be your responsibility to fix! It just feels so insulting and well, yucky!
Once Mark is well on his way to establishing new habits that convey love and care for his wife, for quite awhile, then if there are somethings he’d like to bring up with Katie, now it would be appropriate.
This way of acknowledging our mistakes, apologizing, and making every attempt to never repeat the same mistake can be applied to any situation. Some are much more serious than this one and then you need to ask yourself if the relationship should be saved, especially if you are the Katie in the story!
Take care! See you next time!
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