DISCOUNTING THE WORD “NO”
There has never…ever…been a person in my past who discounted the word no and turned out to be a decent person. Not one. Every single one of them make me squirm with regret.
This is the most universally significant one of all: A person’s ignoring or discounting the concept of “no.”
Maybe, like me and Gavin deBecker, author of The Gift of Fear, the amazing book I am using for this series, you also have had people in your past or present that will not respect your “no.”
Gavin reminds us that “no” is never to be negotiated because the one who ignores it is trying to control you. If you relinquish you are setting the stage for this person to use more control over you. You are in essence saying, “You are in control.”
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like controlling people. We do not get along at all. I don’t appreciate someone not accepting “no” and I have no problem pointing out that they need to learn to accept “no.”
The worst response is to waiver, be indecisive and then give in. The second worst response is to negotiate leaving options on the table. “No” is a complete sentence. You do not need to defend it, justify it, or dance around it. You will be most thankful when you get real comfy saying, “no.”
I have done both of these in the past and it did not ever turn out well. It just prolonged the inevitable…”This was not going to work now or ever.” So, just spit it out. Say “no,” and be done with it. You will be glad you did.
If you are feeling like you can’t do it, go ahead and do a little research. Ask several men you know when was the last time they felt afraid for their life. Now go ask several women. Men usually can’t remember a time when they felt that way, but women, especially ones in big cities feel that way every day if not several times a day.
Women are much more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than the general population. We have to be aware of our surroundings at all times. We have creepy men say and look at us in ways that make us feel uncomfortable or if you’re like me…it makes you mad.
I don’t get intimidated very easily at all. I have had men approach me in parking lots, say sexually explicit things to me in all types of settings…even my work… and I’ve had men who appear to be interested in me just flat refuse to hear me when I say I’m not interested. What do they all have in common? They are predators. Mentally healthy men don’t do this stuff. Discounting the word “no”is a no no!
My man is one of those mentally healthy men who has zero problem with me saying anything contrary to what he thinks. They are out there. Don’t settle and for the love of God….don’t worry about being perceived as rude! Who cares! Saying “no” in all its various forms is a life skill. Work on YOUR way to say “no,” to reject another’s advances, to say, “I don’t want to do that,” and not feel bad about it. I promise it will keep you out of more hot water than I could possibly explain! 🙂
Remember this: At the core, men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.
We live in a much different world where we are each responsible for our safety which leads me to the MOST important one!….Part 8!!